Hathgar tried for to follow me to Bree today, but I can't have a dog underfoot at the stable, spookin' the horses. I had to turn around and guide him back to the house three times afore I could make far 'nuff out of Napgrove to be sure as he wouldn't keep tryin' for to find the way, and would stay home with Lumina. Thinkin' about how I named him after the big, dumb plough-horse at the family farm meant the whole ride to town were full of sad and guiltful thoughts, about my family, about how they died, about how unfair it seemed that I had a good life in a prospersome and safe land, with a wonderful and loving wife -- now carryin' our first child, we both feel sure as it'll be a girl! -- and good work for a good master, and hope that in a year or two I might be a master my own self, and friends, and wealth, and all things good and gettin' better, and why should I have all that while my family what worked hard and did ever'thing as they were supposed to, all got struck down cruel in war?
I try to keep thoughts like that to the time when I'm on my own. For a while when it were so fresh and hurtsome, I felt like I was puttin' too much burden on Lumina. So when thoughts of that come into my mind I push 'em back and think of other things, but they can't stay pushed back forever, I found. So when I'm alone I let 'em come out and touch me and sometimes I cry. The ride from Napgrove to Bree in the mornings is perfect for that. Not no one to see. When we settled in Napgrove I felt like it were a missed opportunity -- a chance to be closer to Bree, or maybe right in Bree, since that's where I work, but instead we just picked another village just as far as Hookworth were. For good reason, of course. There ain't no big houses in Bree, leastwise none what are for sale. Still, I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have a little walk or trot to work in the mornin', right? Well, havin' a longer ride means I got time for them thoughts as best for me to think when there ain't no one else around to have to see. So I reckon it worked out for the best.
But somethin' about Hathgar followin' me today made it so even that ride weren't enough. I fell to thinkin' about not just that they died, but how they must have died, and there ain't nothing you can think about that what ain't horrifical to think on, and sure to make even the warmest and sunniest of spring days feel like gloom and misery. Tryin' to find somethin' else to think on, I turned to Lithiva. Did her husband survive the grievesome wounds he took in helpin' to save the folk of Brockbridge? Did she keep thinkin' about what happened, like I were tryin' not to? Must be even harder for her not to, what with it bein' so much closer, and with havin' had to stand in the Hornburg waitin' out the fighting, maybe seein' Leoffdan but maybe he were too busy with the battle and the preparatifyin' for't, standin' beside her husband what were hurt and the blood itself a reminder, maybe watchin' him die…
That way of thinkin' weren't goin' any better'n what I'd been avoidin' with it. By time I could see the gates of Bree I had to stop to brush tears away and try to compose myself. What else to think about….
Well, there's my work. Not much about the day to think on. Quiet time of year, when we're rebuildin' stock of things like tack, afore the farmers got hay and straw and oats and peas, but after when they was buyin' out as much manure as we could produce. I'd be workin' on repairs for a roof again; what is it about the west gate what seems to call down winds what tear off shingles so much? None the other buildings have so much trouble, and it ain't on account of bad materials or shoddy work, I'm sure of that! Maybe it's because of how much I go up on the roof to eat my lunch.
Used to be until recent I felt sure that, when I have 'nuff time that the Guild might allow me to be a master, it'd be Master Rosewood's stable as I'd be buyin'. I had the feeling as he might be lookin' to pass his stable on, and were, as they say, "grooming" me for't. But now some things he said makes me think he means to keep on at that stable for many years to come. So where's that leave me? Lumina says as I should just open my own stable, but thing is, Bree-land just ain't that big and it already got eight or more stables. Three in Bree alone, then there's ones in Trestlebridge and Combe and at the Forsaken Inn, there's Éogar's, and there's at least a few more in the small villages around, like the one used to be in Hookworth back in the day. The Guild won't let there be more as there ain't enough business for any more without takin' business away from the others already there, leastwise not unless another village gets big 'nuff for to warrant a whole stable on its own. The Guild ain't just makin' rules up for no reason; they's protecting every one the masters what put a lot into their stables, but most folk don't proper understand how guilds work, or what they're for.
Which all means that when the guild says I been at work long 'nuff and learned 'nuff to be a master, all I can do is wait until one them what owns a stable wants for to sell it. Could be long long time. But I been thinkin' (and, tryin' to push dark thoughts away, I kept thinkin') about how Éogar got a license for to open a stable without waitin', by makin' it be about somethin' different. His stable ain't like the ones in the town, what are all about tendin' the horses of folk what come to town, or rentin' horses to them need one for a journey but don't own one. His is about breedin' horses, and afore he come along, no one done that, or rather, everyone done it a little but so little no one done it well. So that's a way as I could get to be a master sooner.
Not breedin', I mean. First, Éogar is doin' that already, and second, of all the things I couldn't manage for to learn, that were the most bafflesome. But if I found somethin' else no one's doin', I could maybe use the same reason for to create a new mastership. I thunk about a stable particular for the breaking and training of horses; if she were still in Bree, that'd prob'ly be one as Miss Brynleigh could do, as that's what she's best at. But it's not one as I'm any good at, leastwise not so much as to make it a specialization. And not sure if the guild would much like the idea of a whole mastership for just that.
But while talkin' to Lumina I thunk of another idea for that. There ain't no one in Bree-land what's particular specialized in the treatin' of hurt or ill horses. All the stable-masters do a little bit as they got to, just like they used to all do a little breedin', but that's a specialization takes some deep knowin' and study to do real well, and none the stable-keepers got that. Used to be a woman of the Mark in town, can't remember her name, what were an expert in't, but not seen her in years. So a horse that's in real troublesome hurt just got to hope as it'll get good 'nuff care wherever it happens to be. If I could get good at that, I could make my own stable and be the place as folk from all around Bree-land brung their horses what were hurt, or I could go to 'em if the horse couldn't travel. I could make concords with all the stable-keepers to visit them regular and tend their horses what needed care, too. The guild would sure as grant me a mastership for that!
The trouble is, the only reason as that's a possibility is because there ain't no one I know of in Bree what's an expert, so that's why there's a gap as I could fill. But that's also why there ain't no one as I could learn it from. So I mean to go up to Hengstacer to ask Éogar if'n he knows anyone I could study under, maybe someone retired now, or someone what can do it but don't want to be a master. If he don't know of one, I even thunk as I might be able to learn from the stable-keeper in Rivendell! Though I don't know if any Elf stable-keeper would want to teach someone like me, at least not more'n Santhiriel done taught me that one time back in Lothlórien. Plus it might mean we'd have to move, at least for a few months, to Imladris, and Lumina might not much like that. But I ain't sure where else as I could go for to learn well 'nuff! (That is, assumin' it's somethin' as I could learn at all. It might turn out like breedin', where I just can't quite understand it. Though the teachin' in suchlike what Miss Brynleigh gave me when I were her apprentice, though it were hard, I didn't feel like it eluded me.)
Thinking on this was enough to keep me from thinking of the dark thoughts of my family, leastwise through the morning. Maybe after my day is done, afore I go home, I'll go up Hengstacer and ask Éogar after it. Sooner started, sooner finished, as Leoffrey would have said.
Oh, don't go gettin' started thinkin' about that again.
