Madaurbeth,
All is well. I think. The babies are definitely starting to become visible now. I worry about how it affects my appearance, alongside everything else. It is so bizarre, I was never the type to think about what others thought of my appearance, but in Bree I am. What happened? Perhaps, it's my fear of Nimraph not looking at me like I'm the apple of his eye anymore? The Watcher, Tessa, told me that once the twins are born, she's going to work on making me proud of my appearance. She called me beautiful. Am I? Nimraph seems to think so, but I'm so skinny. My skin is so terribly pale, and my, er, assets are on on the smaller side as well. I'm not as tall as someone with Numenorean blood out to be either. Rae finally explained that it was childhood malnutrition. How would I look today if my mother had married my father, and I had been born in Gorgoroth?
Then again, Gorgoroth was a never ending nightmare. No, I'm glad I was born in Nurn. A part of me wishes I would have stayed at Nurn until escaping, or that I even should have died at Nurn before my father stole me away. I still wish he had never found me.
But let's change the topic. Ristiinna and a neighbor, Cirvedui, both mentioned that pickled eggs exist. And I am ashamed to admit it, but I really am desiring pickles lately. I should buy canning and pickling supplies and try my hand at this, just make sure the boys don't touch anything.
Boiling. Huh. I remember in Gorgoroth, we used boiling water to tort------\__'
Tessa introduced me to a topic that made me so confused. I knew that the harvest was celebrated in Harvestsmith. Yet, another topic was mentioned that makes my head spin and heart worry. Fear. For some reason, these people in Bree enjoy being scared. What? Why! Tessa tried so hard to explain why it was so much fun, I know she did. But she has no clue where I'm coming from. I have heard people make light of dressing as goblins. Falena showed me a picture of her dressed up as a sorceress before. I was once a sorceress, and it is nothing to want to achieve. I still feel the grim, chill cold of spells and rituals, corrupting my body...
Maybe I am missing something. I need to ask Egfor and Demlemoth about this, they always have the answers. They never let me down before. They can help me understand whatever it is Tessa was unable to.
Back to my babies. Somehow, Syllea had not known I'm carrying twins until last night. She was overjoyed! I am too. Excited and joyous, but eternally terrified of somehow hurting them. I would never be able to forgive myself. But Syllea seemed so sad, prior to finding out the twins. She said things were emotional for her, and bound to get worse. I need to keep an extra eye on this girl, make sure she does not become too downtrodden and make sure no further harm comes to her. She is innocent. I need to protect that innocence, and this sweet girl who has endured so much for her age. I have invited her to always come and find me if she needs me.
Syllea accompanied me to my house for a short time. I was ashamed to ask her to help me refill the water trough for Muigroch. I had completed harder labors as a child! Nurn's farms had hardened me into someone unafraid of grueling labor. But this pregnancy is getting in the way! I can understand why Aglarzor had a policy of being lighter on pregnant slaves now, making sure they smoothly carried and gave birth to more healthyish slaves. It still makes me shiver, how he - and I, at one point - saw them as nothing more than another livestock.
Valar, my shame consumes me every day.
Either way, as a pregnant woman now, I am able to do less. Even bending down hurts sometimes! Falena has insisted on helping me mount and unmount my horse. Of course I accept, I know I need it deep down and cannot offend a friend. Yet, I feel like such a burden still. Such a load. I feel like people are treating me like royalty, when I do not deserve it. My babies deserve it, yes. My babies deserve all the good in the world. But me? I was Aglarari the Rancorous. I deserve fates worse than death.
Eru help me. I have been told so many times not to live in this putrid guilt. But it still consumes me. If it were not for my four children, I fear I may have taken this guilt to certain extremes.
Confused, scared, yet still loving my loved ones enough to take it.
~ Eira.
